Lately it seems as though I’ve been forced to venture out of my hole and meander into town for supplies and such. So, in Coronado terms–that means walk a few blocks to the post office and to some specialty shops to get a few gifts for some mothers in my life. I really try to do most of my shopping online, err, don’t mention that if you know my husband. Its a sore subject around these parts. Apparently, receiving a package a week is too much? I had no idea! I definitely just got in trouble Saturday because another package showed up. Seriously though!, who the hell delivers on Saturdays?! I didn’t even get a shipping notification! Don’t they know that husbands are home on Saturdays!? I try to intervene most packages because I stalk the delivery website. I know when it says “out for delivery” that means I better get my ass downstairs and wait for the mailman because God knows I don’t want to hear, “Jenny, what did you order this time?” Or, in a really panicked-pissed voice, “How many fu&king packages are going to come from baby Gap this week?” (They send each item separately sometimes!! What the hell!? I cant keep up. PSA to GAP–send my baby’s new shiat in ONE bag so I can continue to be your patron!)
Well, I went out to shop around the other day for some Mother’s Day gifts and I put my sweet little teeny tiny bundle of pure blissful joy in her stroller so that she could come with. From what I understand, it wouldn’t have been appropriate for me to leave her home alone yet. Does this story seem weird to any of you? Mothers—you put your child in strollers when you go shopping, don’t you? Or am I doing it wrong? Because, umm, I could seriously be doing it wrong.
…..I’m back after googling “high waisted 80’s shorts butt cheek”…..
Ok, no. Those are not them, but I just thought you’d enjoy a momentary boost in your self-esteem.
These are the shorts that I’m talking about here:
Umm, no. Just no. No, no, no. Oh, ha! “Those look way better on me than that!” That’s what you’re thinking if you happen to be one of the sad souls stuffing your cheeks into these monstrosities. Well, I am here to inform you that you do not look better and whoever told you that you did LIED to you sister! And furthermore, no female wants to see you wear these and only about 3% of the weiner-clad population are not offended that you are wearing those–and guess what? They, unfortunately lost their eye sight or either also like to stare at photos of donkeys in their free time.
Alrighty…so here I am in my favorite store—I peruse the racks, getting to a place of shear bliss…looking at all the maxi dresses and the colorful shirts. For a moment, I feel like I am 22 again and I am shopping for an outfit to go out on the town later! I can even taste the martini (or 5) I will have later. I see another girl, looking at me. I smile politely at her and continue with my shopping high. She clears her throat, so I am forced to look at her again. She looks at this stroller thats sitting really near me and then back at me again. I give her a puzzled look, and turn back to the party dresses. “Excuse me,” she says, smacking her gum. (For a second I thought it was her ass cheeks clapping in the wind, but it turns out it wasn’t them.) Her eyes roll a bit and she exhales really loudly. WTF. Now I’m getting annoyed. I look back at her and she says, “Can you move your stroller? I need to get by.” What the hell is she talking about? Stroller??