“Am I Enough?”

This is such a great perspective to have.

Barren to Beautiful

This week my husband walks in the door after a long day at work to find: dishes piled in the sink, laundry all over the living room, the beef for dinner still in a frozen block, and me…looking like Frump Queen. He is gracious. And tells me to take a nap. I instantly obey. (Inwardly rejoicing.) And while I am sleeping for 45 minutes, he manages to clean the whole house…while watching our daughter. (A feat I clearly was incapable of accomplishing today. Many days.)

One part of my feels grateful the house is clean. I can relax now, right? But the other (bigger) part of me feels guilty and defeated. He just worked the whole day at his job, and then came home and did mine, too. Isn’t this why I am staying home? 

Every day I have this desire to accomplish something. But every day it feels I accomplish nothing. I…

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Don’t be disgusting. *sighhh*

Let’s talk about spit. Why, you ask? Because it is disgusting. And because while I was out running errands today, I encountered way way too much spit. I just don’t get it. I was walking back to my car and I heard someone that sounded like they were dying. Like their entire insides were about to come out of their mouth. I grimaced and looked around, scared of what I would find when my eyes found the person responsible for such a horrific noise. I was convinced someone was dying or the parking lot was getting attacked by a bunch of baby Tyrannosaurus rex dinosaurs. I scanned around me and found the disgusting specimen of a person that was neither dying nor getting attacked by a dinosaur. What was wrong with him you wonder? Well, he had to muster all of his strength so that he could show the parking lot world what a man he was by gagging and coughing and finally spitting on the ground for all to see and inevitably for some poor soul to step in. Or hey, perhaps a toddler will drop his lollipop in your nasty bodily fluid, pick it up and start licking again. Don’t gag. Or do, I did! It took me a full 60 seconds I am sure to regain my control and stop staring at the guy with my disgusted face. He looked at me quite a few times probably wondering what my problem was, but I held my ground. I was not going to let him get away with his filth without letting him know how gross he was.

Anyway, ladies…if your significant other does disgusting things such as spit in front of the world, can you please reign that shit in? It is your duty to make your man be less appalling and offensive to the rest of us.

If you are a guy that does this….please just go find a cliff and chase your spit off the edge. Nasty ass.

Thanks for tuning in!

The Month of Thanking

Welp, its November and time for another season where we are supposed to be thankful. I am full of gratitude for so many things, but have such mixed emotions about it all. Truth is, I AM thankful for everything I have. And! I may even participate in the ridonkulous facebook challenge that everyone is participating in. I thought about doing it last year and just couldn’t decide what to put as my first day of thankfulness for fear of not having my priorities in proper order. I’m still on the fence about it this year and I’m already two days late, so that’s not a good sign at all…

Anyway. I think I am going to at least blog about my thankful heart, but let me tell you what, its not easy when I know that turkeys everywhere are down to their last days. I mean, come on, of COURSE we are thankful. Its easy to be thankful when you’re not about to get stuffed! And let’s not forget about the small teeny tiny little fact that we 1000% stole this land from the Native Americans. Yes, let’s just celebrate that fact with millions of turkey legs and pie!

But back to facebook. How do you choose what to put first? I thought, “well duh, I put my husband first…that’s a no brainer.” But then, I thought about my mom. I mean, she PUT me on this earth. How can I not put her first? I wouldn’t have a husband to be thankful for if it wasn’t for her. But then, I thought about my dogs. I can’t not put THEM first, right? They love me unconditionally and that, people, you don’t find in unf-urry friends. It’s just such a conundrum to me. And what about my other friends..and family. What if I don’t thank them until like…I don’t know…day 16 or even worse, day 23!?

On the other hand,  I sort of feel like it’s boastful to post all about what you have and what you are thankful for on facebook. There is bound to be people less fortunate, less happy, less spoiled, less whatever that read your look-at-everything-I-have-and compare-it-to-what-you-don’t-have-and-then-go-sit-in-your-dark-closet-alone-and-try-to-convince-your-neck-to-swallow-your-head. For example, there always some person on my facebook bragging about their husband being the best in the world…and its usually because they made dinner or something of the liking. But, MY husband makes me dinner almost every single solitary night AND he does the dishes. But if I were to post that on facebook, then that would make all these women who think they have the best husband in the world because they made one meal realize that they actually don’t have it that great. Ehh, I just don’t know y’all.

What I’m trying to say is that today I am thankful for my husband, my mom, and my the-best-dogs-in-the-world dogs…in no particular order. Geez.

Tootles!

She is as constant as the sunrise…

 

Last night I had to take a medicine that I had never taken before and true to form, I was slightly worried. Husband is out of town and it was just Zeus and Fritz with me. Well, I was concerned that I would have a reaction and possibly croak from the new medicine so I put extra food and water in the bedroom for the pumpkin dogs in case something unfortunate happened, you know, like my death. (Shut up.) Well….fast forward to me telling my mother what I did and cue hysterical laughter on the other end of the phone….I can always count on her to make me feel better or either make me feel so insanely crazy that I laugh myself back to reality.

 

 

We as people tend to take things that we have readily available to us for granted. I have lived away from my mother for too many years now and I long for the days when I could walk into the next room or drive to her house and see her, although I bet she is probably more than a little relieved that I can no longer pop in unannounced and wreak havoc on her day and ask for some type of food that she undoubtedly would have to go create from scratch in the kitchen. Seriously, I used to have devil horns (yes, used to…) and I was not afraid to use them and bless her, she loved me through it all. My mother deserves a medal for enduring morning after morning of screams and hateful looks from me when she would try to wake me up for school, for being attacked by my hairdryer on numerous occasions because she startled me while I was drying my hair, and for spending half of her life talking me off of the many ledges I climbed up on at any given time. You would think that at 30 years old, I wouldn’t need her like I did when I was growing up, but I still do. Every single day. And even though half the time I call her because my head is spinning and hissing snakes are flying out of it or I don’t know how to turn on the oven, she never fails to be there for me and make me feel less alone, less crazy, and more like everything will be okay. 

 

 

 

 

Let them eat wood!

That’s right, folks. And Happy Thursday to you too.

I can’t say that I’m in full blown I hate everyone today mode, but I’ve been teetering on the hate fence now for about, ohhh…I’d say a good month and a half. (smiling sweetly and sending lots of love to you at work today, husband!….uhh hmmm.) So this little gem of a whatever-these-things-are-that-I-keep-seeing-everywhere seemed very fitting for me. If I’m being honest though, not a day goes by that someone’s face doesn’t annoy me! And NO. I will not accept those dirty looks you are trying to send me right now. A good HALF of those days its my own face that annoys me.

Anywho. Speaking of annoying…there is a man, a rather hmm, let’s just say he’s the opposite of squeaky clean and he is wearing about as far from a suit as you can get…well anyway, he’s in my bathroom right now…Not USING it!!!…you know, he’s just re-attaching our flipping roof that was soggy and moldy and was about to collapse on our heads!!! I mean, I don’t want to bore anyone with the details, but basically…I’VE BEEN BREATHING IN MOLD! And so have MY DOGS! And the grey dog, just happens to be ALLERGIC to mold.

We have this really awesome rooftop patio here in good ole California, and naturally there are stairs that lead up to the patio…?? You knew that, right? Well, blah blah..there was a leak and now there is a burly fella in my bathroom repairing it. Well, yes I am happy that the mold is gone, but I mean…who is this person? Not to mention I am here alone with him…of course the wife has to be the one that stays home with the creepsters that come to repair things in our houses. It really would be too much to ask of the husbands to make time in their busy days to do something besides go sit at a desk and pretend they are working. Sorry, see…my husband’s sweet angelic face isn’t even immune to annoying me. So I’m just sitting here…really hoping that this man is only into repairing bathrooms and such and not into assaulting women or rotisserie-ing dogs.

But before this…before the bathroom repairs came the termite tenting. And when I say termite tenting, I mean that they put a giant tent over your entire house and pump poison gas into the tent to kill the little wood-eaters. We rent, (thank God) and when the property manager (Hi, Mary :)) told us that we had to get out of our house for a weekend, I really didn’t think too much of it…that is, until I learned that we had to put everything…and I mean EVERYTHING (okay…just food, toothpaste…medicines, etc.) in these plastic bags and tape them up. And after you empty your pantry and your fridge and your medicine cabinets and your dog’s toy box and your house is destroyed and it looks like a bomb went off in your home, thennnnn, you just have to put all the plastic bags inside another plastic bag and tape that up as well. No big deal, right? Ha! You have CLEARLY never had termite treatment, Suzy Sunshine.

So we bagged everything and I secretly threw a lot of stuff away because I thought if we had to take such extreme measures to make sure that everything that would ever go into our mouth was safely in these double-bagged bags, that’d I just assume throw everything away and start over at the grocery store…you know, in hopes of not ingesting something that had absorbed poisonous gas?!? Well, sweet husband had another idea and big-bad-bold-beat-my-chest-man came out and he assured me that he had done the best damn double-bagging job that anybody had ever done before and we were not throwing our food away.

I guess long story short is that when we returned from our weekend away, I let him have the first few bites of everything he cooked that had been bagged up and waited to see if he lived or died. He’s still truckin’ along so I guess we are okay.

The night we got back home, I googled..a lot…about this poison gas and ended up running outside with my two dogs because I convinced myself that the gas was still in the house. No, I didn’t care that the pest control people had walked around with a gas meter and determined that it was safe. I left brave husband sitting right at the kitchen table eating his dinner and got me and the schnauzers outta dodge. Of course I came right back after I called our downstairs neighbor and heard that she was still alive as well. In my defense, they DO mix pepper spray in with the gas to warn people if its leaking or if its still inside the house and everyone’s eyes were burning! (and nobody knew that they mixed the pepper spray in with the gas until genius (that’s me) googled about it…they were all just sitting around wondering why their eyes were burning). So let me get this straight, the pepper spray that you mixed in with the poisonous gas is still burning our eyes, but there is no way in hell that the poison gas is still in my house? You can see the cause for concern, right? I thought you’d agree with me.

Geez. So I guess what I’m trying to say is…it’s not worth it!! Let the little bastards eat the wood.



This is Louie the First, you know, our fish, riding in the console of the Tahoe. He even had to vacate the house for the weekend.

Now what should I do with this man in my bathroom? I mean, is there an etiquette for this? Should I offer him a cookie or a muffin or something? I’m gonna go google that.

If you don’t have anything nice to say…

don’t say anything at all. Blog about it.

Unfortunately, it is one of those days where I really can’t think of much nice to say–shocked, I’m sure. So in order to purge evil thoughts from my mind, I thought I would write a blog.

#1. Nobody, let me repeat that, nobody thinks your kid is as cute as you do. Not me. Not your cousin. Not your neighbor. Nobody. I’m really sorry if this is breaking news to anyone, but it shouldn’t be. When bringing your child out into public, perhaps you should keep that in mind. The booger he/she is walking around holding on his/her pointer finger is simply not adorable, and neither is the fact that he just ate it. I would like nothing more than to smack you out of the twilight zone. And have done it over and over in my mind, don’t worry.

#2. Perhaps, when a child passes the age of say, hmm, let’s just use 18 for fun–yes, when your kid reaches 18, would you kindly remove your breast from his mouth, therefore hopefully allowing some balls to drop? A whiny grown ass adult is so unattractive. I’d rather stare down the face of a fiery, drooling dragon than hear another grown child complain about their poor, pitiful feelings and “all da awpul tings dat are happening to dem.” Get over, jackass. Why don’t you fake being a grown up like the rest of us and shut the eff up.

#3. Parents, stop coddling your kids. Why? See number 2 above.

#4. Umm, please do not randomly lean over to me at a bar and tell me you wish you had never had your children. You. Ungrateful. Bitch.

#5. If you are above 50 and you still haven’t figured out why the hell you were put on the planet, just pretend. You are really making the rest of us lose hope, quickly.

#6. Look at yourself in the mirror for the love of all things good. And let’s be realistic, no matter whether your husband says he still sees you as though you were 20, the rest of the world does not and he is lying anyway.

#7. Be able to take the truth. There is a person in my life that just cannot swallow the truth pill. People tell them they are wrong sometimes and this person will not hear of it. I would like you to know that I have mentally shoved my entire arm down your throat at least 7 times today. (In my daydream, I am holding the truth pill in my hand–for those of you needing a more clear picture.)

#8. Juuuust in case you forgot, there are other things of varying degrees of importance going on in the world. I do not care that the salesperson didn’t say hello to you when you walked in the door. I do not care that you just baked your husband cupcakes for your one month anniversary, and I don’t care that Burger King left the onions off your burger. That was probably a blessing in disguise anyway.

#9. This one is serious. If you look like you just rolled around in a bag of nacho cheese doritos, your skin color is probably not the most suiting. I mean, how can you not see that you look nothing like the rest of the humans walking around?

#10. This isn’t helping so I quit.

Thanks for playing! Tootles.

It’s a bird..It’s a plane..no, no it’s not.

Welp, I guess it’s time to piss everyone off again…No, hopefully not, but I’m sure I’ll get a few hateful messages damning me to hell.

I am giving you fair warning–Do NOT read this if you are sensitive to the issue of suicide!!

Here’s the deal…when I was in Georgia. I was driving to my Grandma’s house and I got stopped in a line of traffic three different times. Why, you ask? Because there were tractors driving on the road–and one lawn mower. For me, this is totally understandable. And I am not much of a road rage kind of girl anyway, so this doesn’t bother me at all! How can you get mad at someone who’s growing food for you? I know, for those of you who do not know about farmers and think the grocery stores just magically grow your corn in the back of the store, the concept of a tractor stopping traffic may sound a little foreign but bear with me.

When I returned home to big city livin’ in San Diego, I woke up to my cell phone ringing at 5AM alerting me that the Coronado Bridge was closed. This is the only efficient way to get onto the island from San Diego, so when it shuts down, its a huge deal and makes anyone who uses it to travel to work late for the day. Crossing the bridge usually takes 5 minutes. There is another route that takes an hour or so, depending on traffic–and of course, you could always take the ferry across, which leaves every couple of hours maybe. The point is, nobody wants to take the damn ferry or drive an hour out of their way to get to a place when there is a perfectly acceptable bridge that can take you there is 5 minutes!

Why was the bridge closed?? Well, this is where my blog may start to offend..

The bridge was closed because someone was standing up on it, threatening to jump the eff off. *enter long sigh here*

Before I moved to a place where this happens often, I would have been appalled at the thought of some poor, poor soul wanting to take his/her own life. And in all actuality, I still am, BUT…this shit is getting ridiculous. Now I have to tell you why I have such anger towards these people, and it has nothing to do with the fact that they cause traffic delays…all.the.time.

One sad Monday, months ago, it was raining. It had rained for two-three days here in ole’ sunny CA. And if you live here, you know that when it rains, people revert to their five-year-old minds and lose all ability to operate a car. Imagine driving in a blizzard in south GA…people would panic. I mean, I remember when it snowed for 5 minutes a few years back and people dropped all their grocery bags, crashing buggies and sending tomatoes rolling across the floor, running towards the doors in order to get a glimpse of this thing called frozen water falling from the sky.

Anyway, I am sitting in traffic at 7:30 AM on the bridge which is eliciting a small panic in my own mind purely for the fact that there were billions of pounds of cars all sitting on this one slab of concrete and I couldn’t for the life of my understand why were weren’t all plummeting into the San Diego-Coronado Bay.

Two hours later, I arrived at my destination which should have taken me 30 minutes. I sit at work for the next fours hours and think about normal things again. Just a regular ole’ day. Then, I got back into my car and started the drive home. It was sunny by this point so I figured that all the chaos from the rain would be over by now.

I sat in traffic again. For another hour, I inched along the 5 trying to get back to my house. I crept…and I inched…and I stopped…and I crept some more along the road…until I came to this bridge.

This picture is not from that day, but just picture rounding that little curve and looking over to your right and seeing a dead body laying there–right.outside.your.window.

I am so not trying to be insensitive to the issue of suicide. Really, I’m not. If I ever saw someone trying to hurt themselves, I’d do everything I could to help them. With that being said…

WHAT THE F&^K???

I am crazy enough without this kind of stuff happening in my vicinity. There is a reason I am not a coroner, or a police officer, or a doctor. I do not want to see dead bodies! Especially when I am not even expecting it!! If I were to ever, ever be okay with seeing a sight like this, I need a warning people–Like a funeral announcement! It has taken me months to get over this! I need therapy for a lot of other things, and this really almost sent me over the edge. Here is where my anger comes in…it is sad enough that suicide is a reality. It is. But how do you think that affects the people left here still breathing?? It angers me. I heard a story just the other day about a little girl who was in a boat with her family under the bridge one day that a man jumped off. She is traumatized to say the least. How the hell do you get over being splashed in the face by that?! 

The point is not to make you cry or anything. The point people, is to tell you not to get angry at the tractors driving on the road in south GA. It could be worse. Just saying.

Happy Wednesday!

Georgia, Feathers, and Job searching

After taking a tiny hiatus from job searching here in mother-effing-no-one-will-hire-me California to visit Georgia for a week, I am back on it today. And let me just tell you, I am so over it. No, really. It is draining the very life out of me. I mean, how long can one person actually fill out these damn applications and rewrite resumes and write cover letters to companies who, I am convinced do not even look at this shit!!!  The thing I love the best is when you spend 3 hours completing the online application and you click submit only to see a page pop up that says “Internet Explorer cannot find this page” or something like that—and when you click “refresh” or the demon “back” button, all your information is lost. Holy flipping crap. After this happens, my eyeballs are burning from staring at the computer all day, my mascara is smeared from frustrated tears, my head is pounding, and now each one of my hairs are detaching themselves from my scalp to avoid me ripping them out.

But hey! Nobody likes a negative Nancy and I am sure most of you have blissfully perfect jobs, so let’s talk about something different. I had a great time in Georgia. I was so happy to see familiar things and trees and green grass, that I cried. And I felt like am a freaking moron. I am not kidding, the little plane landed in little bobo Valdosta, and there I sat, tearful. I quickly got over it though. And the trip helped me to stop salivating to move back there. I will always have a special place in my heart for “home”, but dear Jesus, nothing has changed which is I guess depressing and endearing all at once.

I saw some very good friends, my mama, and my Grandma and loved every minute of it.

We spent the weekend in Jacksonville, celebrating my bestie’s Bachelorette Weekend, which was super fun.

I missed my little munchkins though! They clearly missed me as well, judging by their perfect contentedness in the pictures.

I know everyone is needing a Zeus and Fritz update. We had to give in and give Zeus a blood test to see what the hell he is allergic to. It is driving him (and me) crazy. The vet called the other day with his results.

dust mites

fleas

mold

ORANGES

FEATHERS

Are you serious? I mean, the first three I can see, but oranges? and feathers? That’s just weird. And this doesn’t include food allergies. The vet recommends avoidance therapy. Move over Albert Einstein, our Vet is coming through….

While I was in Georgia, Luke decided to try to train Fritz to stay out of his kennel during the day. He has always freaked out, ripped things up, and barked hysterically before when we leave him out of his kennel, but we have been doing it occasionally here for short periods of time. Aside from my rookie mistake of taking a pop tart out of my purse and leaving it on the bed one night (yes, I still eat pop tarts, bitch please!) Anyway, I came home to find little pieces of wrapper everywhere, crumbs spread over every inch of our bed, and not one piece of pop tart to be found. When I showed Fritz the wrapper and asked him if he did this, he paused with a paw in midair and stayed that way for a good 5 seconds, just staring at me. He knew he was caught. Of course, I was worried that he ate all that sugar. I slept with one eye open, which was good since he decided to throw up all over my closet. 

Thankfully, I learned my lesson from that one and Luke doesn’t leave any stray pop tarts around the house, so he has been fine. But I have no doubt that he will surprise me again soon. Hopefully not today though.

It’s me again…read crazies here!

In case you were wondering where the world’s biggest cynic has been (yea right…), don’t wonder any longer, because I’m going update you in the next few blogs. And I’ll even add a few pictures in for those of you that get bored with my long-winded descriptions of how insane I am!

It has been really busy. It’s funny that when we lived in Korea, not one person boarded that 16 hour flight to hell and showed up on our doorstep all bright-eyed and smiling, but let us move to Southern California and relatives and friends are coming out of the wood works with their little rolling suitcases and flippy floppies. You would think we suddenly ran into some money or something because of the cousins I have been informed I have that are wanting to “reconnect” (umm, I am pretty sure in order to “re” connect, you have to have connected at some point or at least have known they existed). Anyway, the point is…we’ve had some visitors. And after the bitter cold Korean year that left me quite perplexed as to why every time I asked a friend or family member about coming to visit us, I heard a faint sound of crickets chirping on the other end of the phone, followed by the line going dead (You know who you are, bitches!), I have to admit that its been nice having long lost family show up at the airport in San Diego.

But, really, this hotel is booked! So if you’re planning on making a trip, call us and get a reservation first.

Moving on….

In case you have been worried about my impending death (due to my breakdown in this blog)…don’t worry, I am actually okay. After thousands of tests (5) on my pancreas. Bleh, don’t even like the stupid word anymore. I mean, really, who has an issue with their pancreas?? It was ridiculous and I was honestly embarrassed that I owned this so-called body of mine for a hot minute. Anyway, not to bore you with the gore, but basically, I could have either had cancer (holyy balls!) or just born weird..and all sorts of things in between. So, after some really nerve wracking tests and waiting for the results, I learned that I was just born different. Really? Tell me something I didn’t know, Dr. But it turns out, that along with my less-than-normal-brain-that-makes-me-strange, my pancreas decided to get on board the crazy train and be a little different too. I have something 10% of people have, with symptoms that 1% percent of those 10% of people have. Wow. So, I’m basically an anomaly, born straight from Pluto or something. Pshhht. Whatever. And to top it off **close your ears boys** I have to have surgery on my flipping female parts because they are apparently retarded too. Woo whoo! I am so excited to be me. Again, whatever. I’m just thankful nothing is killing me at this point. And if you have any time, thoughts are well wishes should go to my husband…who has endured many nights of google (that is, I sat at the computer and googled my symptoms, then cried hysterically at the possibilities of dying and leaving Zeus and Fritz alone…Wow.) Next, you should think about my poor mother, who got phone calls in the middle of the night on her side of the country with me in the lobby of a hospital crying and refusing to drink this disgusting substance I had to drink in order for the Dr to perform my tests…and by crying I mean, complete with cuss words and hanging up on her…Listen, I have warned every single one of you that I am crazy, so please don’t even look at me like that. Next, My mother-in-law has gotten her fair share of freak out phone calls of me planning my funeral. Finally, my nurse Kathy that went above and beyond with talking me off the ledge numerous times throughout this process (only after my poor husband had to call her almost weekly to tell her what a babbling lunatic I was being).

Geez…so anyway…while my family members didn’t get any gifts of appreciation, I did make a little gift for my nurse. Isn’t is so cute!? 🙂 She is amazeballs.

(Not that you aren’t, husband, mother-in-law, and Mommy!) But you get plenty of love all the time from me!…keep repeating that yourselves!

Check back for updates on recent travels….and!!…

Zeus and Fritz!! They are much more entertaining than I am anyway.

***edited to add, and rolling my eyes while doing it, we love having visitors. geez people. laugh much?***

Human or dog?…Human dog!

How can you not love this little baby dog?!? This is what I woke up to this morning :))